Poo Card

hsensMy GP gave me this take home test called Hemmocult Sensa fecal occult blood test, and when I tried to ask him what it was about he said, “No, you don’t get to ask questions. I ask all the questions and then at the end, you can ask questions.” Of course, “at the end” he walked out of the exam room and that was that.

From what I can tell from quizzing his assistant and my husband, who is a lab tech, you trap some poo from three different days, scrape it on this card under the numbers 1, 2, and 3. Mail the card back to the “No Questions” GP in a biohazard envelope. In my packet of prep materials, I got some poo sticks, the card, and the envelope. I also got some weird tissues that I didn’t us for poo, but I did use them to dust my computer. Then my husband brought home some more poo sticks from his lab because he decided I didn’t have enough. Then I had enough to build a project for a grammar school log house. Then I used some of the sticks to write in the drying concrete where the guys are redoing the sewers on our street, but all in all I felt like I had enough materials to do (get it – do?) the project, but it I didn’t. Why?

  1. I never got to ask MY questions. (Ego)
  2. Though I grew up on a farm and handled a lot of animal poo, I’m not keen on handling nor do I play with my own poo (on purpose).
  3. I just had a colonoscopy and I pretty sure I’m pretty clear of what this test is searching for. Waste of time. Waste of money.

I invented this lie to tell my GP the next time I see him. “I did your fecal occult blood test and sent it to your office.” And just stop talking at this point and let him figure out what happened because remember, no questions are permitted from my side. Besides, he has already lost two sets of records from my oncologist. Perhaps he will think my poo test is lost in his office, stinking somewhere under under a box of someone’s Chinese take out lunch.

A few weeks passed. The lie took hold in my mind. I liked it. I nurtured it. It was growing. It was good. Then Dr. No Questions did something unspeakable. Obviously, he has run into resistance before. He had my HMO send me a letter. Incredible. It read something like, “Dr. No Questions has not received your poo card back in the mail, AND we at your HMO kind of suspect you are stalling and sending your poo to the sewer forthwith.” I was a little shaken up. I shredded the form letter and told myself, “It was a form letter. Get a grip.”

But the next thing that happened was unnerving, and frankly, I took exception to. The medical professional is all talk about HIPPA and preserving patients rights, not talking to other members of the family, but if your GP really, really wants something, HIPPA is crap (get it – crap?). I was using the bathroom and let me tell you NO DOGS appear in the bathroom when I’m stinking it up – NO NONE NEVER – and the small dog appeared and sat down on the bathmat and stared at me. Stared at me. Her small curved back and soulful eye’s said, “He promised chicken strips and dog park. I think you should put your poo on a card and send it to him.” And so I did. Knowing my luck, the card is probably stuck under his lab tech’s Kung Pao chicken take out, and I’ll have to redo it.

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7 Responses to “Poo Card”

  1. This sounds like a bunch of S+++, I mean Poo to me. No questions, that’s a good one. Seems like a simple matter of answering with a simple answer, but the Medical profession is mysterious and us Layman or Laydies, is that correct?, wouldn’t understand all of the Latin. It would just sound Greek. The best part is thinking about it sitting under some lab tech’s Kung Pao chicken.

  2. It is a bunch of shite – all of it if you ask me.

  3. I know something worse than poo cards! Pee in the fridge! Yes, once a long time ago the Mr. had to collect a weeks supply for some tests, and it had to be refrigerated until he took it to the doctor. Nothing like pee in a gallon container sitting in the fridge along with your beverages and food. I tried to avoid the fridge at all costs, and I do believe we ate out a lot because I refused to eat from the fridge until the “sample” was gone.

    One other time where “pee” was an issue was at work, all the attorneys had to take drug tests, and when they collected their samples they kept dropping it off on their secretary’s desk, all the girls were totally grossed out at the thought of handling their attorney’s bodily fluids. Playing with one owns bodily functions is pretty unpleasant, handling your bosses while it’s still warm is totally gross.

  4. AZ, I did that pee test about a month ago. I tried to hide it from my kids but they kept asking what is that big brown jar. Kept asking because the test came back with weird results so I had to do it again. Argh. Hiding it behind the milk didn’t work the second time.

    And CD< I think it’s horrible that they involved your dog. Dogs are such suggestible creatures, to turn them into hallway and poo monitors is evil. Evil.

  5. Ooooooh, AZ, Big jugs of pee in the refrig. That does not bode well. And what kind of place did you work where the secretaries had to handle some guy’s piss? The guy’s should have taken care of their own. YUK!

    My Dad was a OB/GYN and he regularly kept his lunch in his office refrigerator with a bunch of pregnant woman urine. I thought the whole thing was nasty and when he died I took that refrigerator to the dump straight away.

    Dang, Kate. More big bottle of Pee in the refrig. And yeah. These GPs these days are something else. I got a surprise for him next time I see him though.

  6. Lawyers, they expect their secretaries to do everything for them — we had one that would send his secretary out to get his wife’s birthday, anniversary, valentine, and any other card and he would never reimburse her for the cards or the gas she used going shopping for him, why should he, he made $250,000 a year and his secretary made $21,000!

  7. That sucks. I would make him pay for that. What an ahole.

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