Archive for December, 2008

ER Redux

Posted in health on December 30, 2008 by Nada

I went to walk the dogs yesterday and broke myself. It was that easy. The hubby took the dogs back to the house, got the car, and took me to the ER. I sat in the waiting room for 2 hours before I got to talk to the triage nurse. I could have died. Granted I only put “pain in right side” on my little green registration paper, but I could no longer walk.

About four hours into the scene, a sock footed man named Abdul came in the entrance screaming, “God help me. I am vomiting blood.” And that indeed was what he was doing. The security guard and triage nurse shouted to him that he had to sign in. He ran down a hallway out of sight, and I heard him collapse.

The security guard and the triage nurse called to him from their station. “Come back to the desk and sign in.” He answered them by vomiting. A couple of people in the waiting room got up from their seats walked over, looked at him and laughed. Laughed. I screamed at them, “IT’S NOT FUNNY.” The security guard’s voice joined my chorus. The security guard got up from his station and took him a slip to sign in.

And so it went. The girl who came by ambulance with the migraine was triaged, accepted and went to the ER before me. The girl with a cough went God knows where. The woman with back pain got her shot and left. Six hours later, they called my name. I hobbled to the back, to the main ER, for treatment. The diagnosis was a process of elimination, so to speak. Meaning there wasn’t enough of it. The official diagnosis is transverse colon diverticulitis. From what I can tell, that means infected poo in my colon. Yeppers. So, I can add this to my repertoire of illnesses, which is quite impressive: cancer, brain tumor, epilepsy, and now infected poo. I wonder if there are Infected Poo Support Groups? Do they give away free shit? Do we sit around and talk about our brother support group The Appendectomy?

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Speeding Ticket Fail

Posted in general weirdness, holy crap, she-it, YouTube on December 28, 2008 by Nada

Good Doggie

Posted in animal on December 27, 2008 by Nada

dog-shark

Cake, Chime, and Skype

Posted in life on December 26, 2008 by Nada

I ate a piece of cake as big as a car tire last night. It had a big red sugar poinsettia on top of it as big as my armpit. Am I sorry? No. It was white cake with that semi-transparent white icing. It is my mission in life – my destiny to eat all that sort of cake there is on this planet to save you from eating it. It was delicious. I could have eaten three more tires of cake, an engine and the whole car, and topped it with a glass of milk and driven the whole vehicle down I-580 except for the fact the hubby only brought home one cake tire. That was all he could steal (and carry) from his work party and drag onto the BART on a medium sized paper plate without breaking the plate’s spine and dumping the contents.

For someone who hates Christmas and who’s been a bad girl, I got some unbelievably great presents this year, like wind chimes that are so beautiful physically and melodically, I’m not hanging them outside. I’m suspending them from the ceiling in my den. I think they are like the voices of hummingbirds – or something. I can’t decide what they sound like. I’ve never really heard anything quite like them. Gold spun into sound.

And another first tonight – I Skyped. Sounds like I’m doing drugs as in “I Skyped some Skype on the corner in my Skype pipe” but no, that’s not what happened. We have a Linux machine, the cheap-o, that came with a little camera. We Skype-d with my step-daughter and her husband in Tex-ass. The picture was different, kind of cool in one of those foreign film sort of ways where the words don’t sync up with the lips. All was going well until my husband cut a huge fart, and I erroneously thought the noise was some tractor trailer rig’s brakes failing on the interstate ramp behind our house. Then the kids’ Skype froze. But all-in-all it was pretty good. I’d give it about an 8.5 until the farting and freezing.

More with mice ‘n free stuff…

Posted in general weirdness on December 26, 2008 by Nada

3k63m33l51281331ga8cp6a357419b6b016efEight Brand-New, Never Used Small Mousetraps

These eight small mousetraps are new and have never been used. Excellent for either ridding yourself of small rodents or pinching the nipples of your lover.

I didn’t make this up. I swear.

Domino

Posted in animal on December 24, 2008 by Nada

More free stuff from Craigslist.

From Oakland Veterans Memorial Building.
Oakland Registrar of Voters, etc.

Oh, the stories those chairs could tell, if they could talk. What butt sat where. I like the pictures too. Simple. Plain. In the backyard.

My parents didn’t believe in giving us toys at Christmas. Acceptable Christmas presents around my house were knives, clothes, and I remember one time they gave me a desk. A freaking antique desk. But this one Christmas they gave me a HO gauge train. At the time, I had this pet white mouse, Domino. He was a smart little fellow, and he adored that train. I swear he liked that train more than I did. Domino couldn’t wait to get in that open railcar and ride around as fast as the engine would take him. When I would stop, he would sit there, begging for more. Sometimes, he’d rest his arm like a person on the side of the boxcar while his whiskers whipped around in the rushing wind.

After a while, I’d have to stop and do my homework. I’d put him over on the antique desk with me. I’d let him run in and out of the compartments. I’d hear him chewing up things deep inside the desk. He’d run out to check and see if that was okay with me. I’d scratch his neck and let him know he could tear up all of the antique desk he wanted to.

Obsession

Posted in general weirdness on December 22, 2008 by Nada

I’m obsessed with the free stuff on Craigslist. I look at it every night and only the items that have pictures. I love free stuff. I want free stuff, but I never get free stuff because:
1) I like to think I’m a minimalist.
2) I don’t have a car, and I can’t drive to pick up stuff.
3) There is no room left in the shoebox I live in for any more stuff.

One of my other obsessions is I collect airline safety cards, sort them and keep them in a bookcase. You’ve seen these cards I’m sure – at least once, right before you order a drink from the stewardess. They are plastic coated tri-folded airline poop with bad art in the seat back, advising you how to deboard the plane in case of an accidental water landing.

Tonight, look what I found on Craigslist, merging my two obsessions into some sort of unbelievable once in a lifetime orgasmic freebie. I found THIS. And I quote in case the Craigslist entry is already gone, “3 connected airplane/jet seats. Plastic/vinyl material covering. Dirty in picture because it was left on our balcony, can be cleaned up and used! Last seat on the right is just wet.
Must be able to pick up before Dec. 31, preferably ASAP
Goes to first person who can pick up.”

My husband is in the other room snoring. I wonder if he would consider this some sort of emergency such as airline obsession Christmas present emergency. I want need must have can’t live without some free dirty used airline seats that I can put my stolen airline safety cards in and I could put said seats in the den dining room laundry room back porch garage?