My brother and I are cheap to the point of being a menace to society. If the cops could arrest us for it, we’d long ago have worn out the back seats of half a fleet of patrol cars. If pennies screamed every time we pinched them, there’d be pennies with failed vocal chords. Anyway, you get my drift. My brother and I have a standard motto – “The only thing better than cheap is free.”

Now, the other thing my brother and I do is we talk to each other every week. My brother lives in rural Georgia, and I live in California. And if you ask me what we talk about, I’d have to tell you we talk a lot about how cheap we are. Yes, we are proud of the fact we are cheap sons-of-bitches.

My brother tells me this conversation fired off at his work last week with one of his co-workers at the plant.
Brother: I’m gonna have to charge you for going to cheap school.
Co-worker: I ain’t payin’ you a damn thang.
Brother: Graduate, Magna Cum Laude.

And in another chapter of cheap schoology my brother bought himself a cell phone for $9.88. It’s called a Track Phone. I’m calling it a Crack Phone. He purchased 140 minutes for $19.88. He’s called me on it. I thought it was Ed McMahon.

The last car I bought was a Mercury Tracer. I paid $125 for it. The last car my brother purchased was a postal jeep. He paid $500. Mine ran for 4 years. His does not. He was storing dog food and dog supplies, like brushes in it, until some big ratty raccoon stopped by and stole a silver dog comb out of it.

My brother says each week, “I’m working on the jeep.” I roll my eyes so hard he can hear it. Earlier this week he told me he was looking at an engine called the Valdor for the jeep. I think it’s something Darth Vader drives. Today, he tells me he is looking at something called the Transwrap. I think that’s something to break the sound barrier with or at least Saran Wrap.


3 Responses to “Cheap-o”

  1. You are going to kill me. Seriously, I’m going to die from the laughing disease. My wife will come home someday and find me lying on the floor clutching my stomache. Well, maybe not, but it was a funny post. I remember the jeep. I suggested he use it as an ice cream truck or something like that.

  2. Welcome to the Cheap Club! I’d send you a club jacket, but I don’t have any because they cost money and I’m to cheap! The last car I bought was in 1975, it was a 1972 Mustang convertible, I cost me a little under $3,000. I was so poor when I bought it that I had to finance it for four years, my payments were about $27 a month. The first time a got a few extra bucks I bought chrome rims and baby moons for it, but I could only afford two rims at a time, so when I had them mounted I told the guy to mount the chrome rims on the back and leave the stock rims and hubcaps in front. He said, why don’t you mount the chrome rims on one side that way you can impress 50% of the people, he had a point — so that’s what I did. It took me another couple of months to buy the second set of rims and baby moons to put on the other side. I drove that Mustang for 30+ years. I also bought a lifetime guarantee battery from J.C. Penney’s right after I bought the Mustang and I never had to pay for another battery in 30 years, now that‘s C-H-E-A-P. Oh yeah, when I sold it I got $7,000 for it.

  3. I hope I don’t kill ya, Steve. You’re one of the few readers I’ve got. AND you’ve got a good memory. That is what you suggested my brother do with that jeep a few years ago…quite a few years ago.

    DANG AZ! You be the Queen of Cheap because you bought a 72 Mustang Convertible, drove her and then sold her for a profit. You win. I bow in your regalness. And the battery deal is priceless. Literally.

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