Oh, Mr. Train Conductor

artful_dodgerThis is what you see when you’re getting on the BART. And you know what his right hand is doing? He’s playing with himself. That’s the big discussion these days – what to do with these baggie panted goof wads masturbating on the BART.

I say do the same as I did with the drunk spitting on the car floor, and blowing his whistle. Hop yourself up outta your seat and punch that little red button on the intercom and chat with the train conductor.

Me (mashing the red button on the intercom): Oh, Mr. Train Conductor.

Train Conductor (through the intercom): Yeah?

Me: We got a (TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET (background whistle)) drunk guy in our car, spitting and blowing (TWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET) a whistle.

T.C.: I can’t hear you.

Me: Exactly. It’s a drunk, whistling, harassing passengers and spitting on the seats. (TWEEEEEEEEEEEEET)

T.C.: Hold on. (Stop at West Oakland) Gimme a description.

Me: Red knit hat, blue work pants, blue sweatshirt, African American, (TWEEEEEEEEEEET) DRUNK, aged 60

T.C.: Did you say red pants?

Me: no.

T.C.: Hold on (Stop at Lake Merritt. Stop for a very long time. So long I know that Mr. Train Conductor is hailing BART police. The drunk, even in his inebriated state knows he is in deep do do. His eyes pie plate as he stands and swims in the breast stroke style for the open door.)

Me: (mashing the button repeatedly) He’s getting away. He’s making a run for it…or rather a stagger for it.

And the drunk stumbles out the open door. As soon as he does, the train conductor snaps the door shut and we take off like a Shetland pony heading for the barn in the late afternoon.

T.C.: Was that him?

Me: Yep.


4 Responses to “Oh, Mr. Train Conductor”

  1. worldphotos Says:

    Do the Bart police ride on the trains? I know they can’t be everywhere, but a presence might help. Or after the last big incident, it might not.

  2. Just the other day while partaking in a sumptuous lunch at our local Whataburger, I noticed a young black male wearing his pants around his knees, I don’t get it, when was the last time you heard a beautiful young babe say “I’m looking for a guy who makes me laugh, has a job and a car, and gosh I hope his pants are around his knees because it’s sooooooooo sexy!

    As far a winos go I have a wino in a bus story…

    I was traveling via Greyhound bus, I sat down and was getting comfortable, then my eye caught sight of a dirt colored human rag pile coming up the isle. Jeebus, I’m thinking to myself, DON’T SIT NEXT TO ME! So, of course, he plops is dirty, ragged, nasty smelling ass in the seat right next to me, and to beat all hell not only was he dirty and smelly, he was drunk as a skunk. Now you figure a guy in this condition would pretty much keep to himself, but nooooooo this guy is Mr. Martha Stewart! He tried some witty tête-à-tête, but he was slurring his words so badly I couldn’t understand what he was saying, then he decides to play Mr. Hostess by pulling out an already open can or sardines and offered me some lint and dirt covered snacks. I graciously said I DON’T THINK SO! After he killed off his half eaten can of sardines (which added a lovely scent to the bus, along with his B.O. and stale liquor breath) then he pulls out a bottle of liquor, twists off the cap, wipes the opening with his dirty sleeve and offers me a swig. I hadn’t noticed, but I think the bus driver was watching while all this was going on, and he pulled the bus over at the first gas station and escorted the wino off the bus. Sometimes into everyone’s life a little wino falls, I guess.

  3. AZ, you almost had me rolling on the floor with that story. I held on to the arms of the chair as I laughed. A good one. Though you didn’t think so at the time.

  4. That’s my beef with the BART police actually WorldPhotos. They are not riding the rails. They pop on a little bit but they are not patrolling or riding the trains on any sort of regular basis or they would see this mess. I wish they would ride the tunnel or through the San Francisco to Oakland. We go people selling CDs, openly drinking booze, intimidating other people. It’s hard to contact a train operator every time you see that.

    AZ, I agree with Steve. I busted out laughing. WHAT A HOOT!. Not funny at the time but geez I laughed at the description. And sardines! Whoa. OMG! Too too funny.

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