The teeth extraction I had planned for yesterday didn’t fly. Air traffic control didn’t advise me to land at Tetterboro. There were no bird strikes. I didn’t end up in the Hudson because I never got to take off. The oral surgeon just wanted to talk. I think I need to print up a laminated card like those deaf people carry. “Cancer, brain tumor, epilepsy – give me all your spare change, and Dr. Dentist, if you hit an artery with your epinephrine needle, I’m going to seizure in your fancy reclining chair and bite the crap out of milky white fingers.” The oral surgeon was nice enough and more important, he had a sense of humor and even more important he had a plan. It was called Valium. Apparently, people with seizure disorders can take a Valium before oral surgery to raise their seizure tolerance, calming themselves down and preventing the onset of incidents. I’m game. I took the prescription for a 5mg pill to Longs. The pharmacy tech told me the one pill would cost me my deductible – $10. Then she said, “The golden pill.”

When I got home, I called my brother on Google Talk, the free computer phone. He’s home on Thursdays because his company has no business. Instead, he squats in the Man Cave, a little room in his basement. Sometimes I call him and we talk serious business, serious monkey business.

The business of today was a time keeping question. I almost knew before I called my brother, he wasn’t going to know the answer. It’s times like these I get mad at him. I think why couldn’t my brother have met his wife when he was 5 years old. Why? My brother’s wife is Time Keeper. She keeps track of everything that happens in our family. For example, we can ask my brother’s wife, “When did my mother’s left front hub cap fall off the green Chevy II?” If she was in the family, she knows the answer.

The topic of conversation yesterday was my wisdom tooth. “Wasn’t that thing already extracted?” I asked my brother. We wanted to drag Time Keeper into the Man Cave and question her, but we knew she wasn’t in the family at the time of the extraction. My brother wanted to blame our oral surgeon, Elmo.

“It was Elmo’s fault,” he said. “It’d be like him to extract three of your wisdom teeth and leave one. Too difficult to dig out.”

“I dunno,” I countered. “I swear I thought Elmo pulled all of ‘em. I told the dentist that and said this one must have regrown but he said, ‘No.’ You should see this thing on the x-ray. Looks like a docked cruise ship.”

My brother and I talked a while and decided since Elmo, the oral surgeon, was dead, he was fair game for dissing, so we concluded Elmo wasn’t a good as he thought he was. I decided my brother needed to get Time Keeper in the family sooner but we would have to go back in time to solve that problem. While we were on that subject, we decided more stuff needed to happen in our family that hadn’t. I told my brother the wisdom tooth and the one with the bad crown and infected root were scheduled to come out next Tuesday. My brother didn’t win any games of computer solitaire. My brother ignored Time Keeper calling to him from the top of the stairs until he found out she was calling him to dinner. Then he hung up the Google Talk so quickly he accidentally called me back. I had to hang up twice. Mental Note: Never get in the way of my brother and food. I might get hurt.


5 Responses to “Teeth”

  1. Good luck with the dentist. I had three wisdom teeth taken out at the same sitting. For some reason, the Army was big on taking out wisdom them at one time. I was on soup for a week. Got a dry socket in one of the holes and that was no fun.

  2. I think our wisdom teeth are a holdover from our alien ancestors, when your wisdom teeth come in you get a burst of “wisdom” and you can mentally visualize your home planet. That’s why dentists always pull the wisdom teeth out, they don’t want us to see our home planets. Either that or our ape ancestors had really big ass jaw bones that allowed our wisdom teeth to grow in like they ought to, not all whopper jawed (aka vertically impacted) like mine were, but I like the alien ancestor theory better, it just sounds more interesting.

  3. What happened to the fourth one Steve? That’s like me, only I can’t remember. Three are gone and here’s the cruise ship of a fourth one. Do you have a fourth one? Did they leave it behind?

    I like the alien ancestor theory but then I should be able to remember mine because I still have this one left. Instead, I can’t remember shit.

  4. gallimaufrieswiththat Says:

    You ought to write a post . . . Ten Things That Should Have Happened in My Family. Or maybe I should. I could start with

    1. My father should have decked my mother the time when, while he was asleep, she woke him up by making the sound of an incoming shell.

    This could be fun! I’ll have to sleep on it.

  5. That made me laugh. Was it true?

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