Archive for May, 2009

Smarty Party

Posted in cars on May 31, 2009 by Nada

Here’s what the Smart car looks like on our own surveillance camera. Looks like a pregnant button. The Big Guy is still driving it too fast at times but he has mastered corners now, which is good. No more pulling out like we are in the open seas, navigating a trawler.

We have also discovered that children are attracted to the car. One kid was so small all he could do was point and babble. The other child was standing and talking to the car while my window was up. I lowered my window, but the kid was only 3 or 4 and I couldn’t understand what he was saying. He was pointing and talking, so I said, “Clown car. We are clowns.” He tried to give me the small plastic man in his hand. I told him thanks, but our clown credo prevented gifts. Then his dad came from the back of the station wagon where he was loading his goods, and we zipped off.

Yesterday yielded these embarrassments:
1. We drove a circle around a car at the video store. I’m not sure why we did that. It was one of those deals where we were trying to do the right thing and it ended up in a clown car move.

2. We called the salesman because the car was beeping. This car has a unique anti-theft feature. If you take the car without the key, it will slow to 6mph in one mile. We thought we had activated that feature somehow. We sat in front of our house, waiting for the salesman to call the alarm company and then call us back. In the mean time, we decided to check the doors. We had not closed a door.

3. I soiled the seat. Why me? Why do I always have to be the pig pen? I tried to scrub it off but how does someone get something stuck on their butt and not notice it until IT MESSES UP THE NEW CAR?


New Car

Posted in cars on May 30, 2009 by Nada

The Park Avenue, floated belly up in its fishbowl yesterday morning with only a click, click, click when Hubby turned the ignition key. The engine wouldn’t turn over. Right before The Big Guy walked out the front door he had said he wished he didn’t have to go to work. Who knew the Park Avenue was our Fairy Godmother, the grantor of wishes. Tonight, we take the old car our lottery tickets and ask nicely.

And so, now we have a new car. It’s a Smart Car.
smartcarThe toll taker on the bay bridge pointed out from his little booth, “How smart is it if you get smacked by a semi on I-880?” I dunno. I do know that siren on I-580 yesterday afternoon wasn’t a siren. It was me screaming because The Big Guy was driving The Clown (I mean Smart) Car 70mph. I felt like I was riding inside a super ball.

It has a 3 cylinder engine or as we call it, a 3 squirrel engine, channeling Youngster, Quinn, and Bushy. The engine’s got some crazy get up and go, and it’s in the boot. I learned “boot” means trunk. Here’s a picture of the 3 squirrel.
And we didn’t know this. The Clown Car is affiliated with Mercedes Benz. That’s bound to be some sort of embarrassment for them. I mean here were all these Mercedes Benz costumers, pretty much as you would imagine them with ascots. Then there was The Big Guy and me, getting in and out of brightly colored Clown Cars and driving them around the block. Finally, the salesman said, “Just take it home with you and see if it will go up your driveway.”

We took it home and on the way there stopped at a really bad Chinese restaurant called Shin Shin, which we renamed Shit Shit. We didn’t have quite enough change for the parking meter, and near the end of the meal 2 highway patrolmen strolled casually into the place. We left before the sliced oranges and fortune cookies, which could have been that meal’s only salvation.

So, we pick the car up today. We had to take the car back to the dealership last night because they wanted some minor stuff like money and insurance info.

Blowing Snow

Posted in life on May 28, 2009 by Nada

My cousin emailed me this picture today. She is in Colorado with her family and the blowing snow at the Continental Divide.

My headache neurologist quit. My appointment with him was in two weeks. To be honest, I haven’t had a migraine for a couple of months. I think the fellow cured me. His office said they don’t have a replacement for him, so when I told them good-bye over the phone today, that was it for them and me.

The Big Guy walked next door to talk to Mr. Grand Procrastinator and a couple of things happened. First, I decided to change Mr. Grand Procastinator’s nickname to Arrogant Asshat. Second, Mr. Asshat wanted to see how bad his fence looked from our yard so he walked over, lead by the Big Guy. Arrogant Asshat said, “I don’t want to get you guys upset again.” Tomorrow, he is cutting off a couple feet at the top of his handball court fence. When is Asshat going to Italy? When? Because, yanno, it’s not soon enough.

So, I’m back working the desk at the Yoga studio on Wednesday nights. It’s a good deal. The yogi swaps desk work for a free class. I put my mat down on the back row next to beautiful Louise and bike riding Mike. Beautiful Louise does self-correction when her pose is not quite right. I basically grunt when my pose is not quite right and hope I don’t fall over or fart or worse, which means falling over and then farting. Mike is going on a 100 mile bike ride, not this week, but the next. He snores during savasana, which is the corpse pose we lie in for 5 minutes at the end of the session. Tonight he didn’t snore, but some woman yelled out anyway after class was over, “Someone was snoring.” Mike and I looked at each other.

I told Mike, “She tried to kill us tonight,” referring to the yogi.

He said, “Did you notice I didn’t snore?” I nodded. He said, “The trick is not to listen to the music.”

I have no idea what he was talking about, but he thought his explanation was plausible.

Fence or Handball? The saga continues…

Posted in holy crap, life on May 27, 2009 by Nada






Mr. GP put the finishing touches on his fence between our properties last night. The only saving grace is that it’s in our garden behind our garage. The not so-saving grace is it’s fugly and taller than our garage. Someone is going to run through our house in sneakers with a handball and ask when the court opens.

We sat on the back porch last night and stared at the monstrosity, wondering if Mr. GP didn’t know better. Surely. He’s an assistant professor with a PHD at a major university. This is a quote from his bio on his web page. “I believe that places – individual, particular and discrete places – matter.” I guess matter to whom is the question, and if he thinks perhaps messing up other people’s places is okey dokey.

So, this morning we called codes. You have to file a permit to build a fence over 6 feet tall, and Mr. GP has not filed. The Big Guy is going to talk to GP when he gets home from work about reducing the size of the handball court…er fence, and if that doesn’t work, the lady at codes said to call back, and she would file a complaint for us.

The News, or Not

Posted in life on May 26, 2009 by Nada

Hubby and I had a big Memorial Day weekend. We went to Target and bought an organic chocolate bar. After dinner, The Big Guy ate a couple of squares, and he said the Target chocolate made him queasy. It’s hard to imagine a 6’ 5” guy using that term and meaning it. When I laughed, he said, “Keep on. The Target chocolate will make you queasy too.” And it did in the middle of the night. The remainder of the bar is buried in the bottom of the kitchen garbage with the used coffee grounds.

In other news, our Lawn Pup is dying. The Lawn Pup is our electric Hasbro toy lawn mower with the 13” inch blade. The Big Guy held a demonstration in the front yard. It never was very powerful, but now it takes a full minute to power up. We went to three hardware stores looking for more Hasbro. Hasbro is out. Power is in, and though Power would be nice, Power is way too big to fit through the tiny gate leading into our back yard.

In more news, my brother revived Frankentruck – again. After disassembling it, he discovered a two finger sized hole in the manifold. He repaired it, and now he can hear his radio. Apparently, his daughter is disputing the facts, but what she doesn’t understand is though she may be my brother’s flesh and blood, that truck is his mechanical offspring. My brother won’t tolerate bickering between his offspring.

In still more news, I got a haircut. I had to after beacon-izing my forehead. I frequent this place across from our market where the hair cut women speak relatively good English. When I say cut ½ inch off, I mean ½ inch, but they must think I mean 2 inches and in front, they cut the bangs until I appear to be the village idiot.

Bad Memory and Black Dog

Posted in animal, general weirdness, life, she-it on May 26, 2009 by Nada

I keep a notepad on my desk to write myself reminders. On it, is a note in my handwriting that says, “Have you suffered from an ingrown toenail?”

About a week ago, I had lunch with a friend of mine. My friend wanted to know if I ever called people and forgot about it. She had just done that to her sister, and called her twice. Her sister made a big deal out of the duplicate messages on her answering machine. I told her I did the opposite. I thought I called people when I didn’t. Besides, I told my friend, her sister was a be-yotch ho (and a Yankee). When in a pinch, resort to name calling. It shows maturity and how much you really care.

I think this is what happened last night but I’m not real sure. I have one of those old folks’ pillboxes. It has the days of the week divided like Sunday morning and Sunday evening, and each slot is filled with an allotment of anti-seizure drugs. So, last night I looked in the box, and Sunday nights’ drugs were gone but Saturday nights’ drugs were there. I decide to eat Saturday nights’ drugs. I’m not sure why. I think the speculation at the time was I must have accidentally eaten Sunday nights’ drugs on Saturday? And I should just eat the ones that weren’t eaten.

During the night I realized my mistake only because I don’t sleep all night. I never have. But last night, I was out, like a light, a smashed 60 watt bulb in the city dump. I must have eaten Sunday nights’ drugs and gone back for Saturday nights’ drugs. This morning I was on tilt. I wanted to stand up straight, but it wasn’t happening, or at least it felt like it wasn’t happening. Thankfully around 4pm, Hubby decided he needed a nap and I followed suit. Things seem to be fine now. I tried to look up on the internet the overdose instruction for my anti-seizure drug, but it seemed like the sites all said, “Hey don’t worry about it because the overdose symptoms are the same as the side effects.” I don’t know. In the end the only viable solution was to fall face forward on the sofa and let the Dachshund perch on my back for a while. All better now, except for that little note about the “ingrown toenail.” Not sure when or why that happened.
So, here’s a picture of Mr. Grand Procrastinator’s yard yesterday. This is the back fence, not the fence on our side. I spoke with the renter, whom I like, who rents the house from Mr. GP. She said, “There’s a dog, a black dog, who is coming up to my back door at night and barking.”

“I know,” I said. “That’s the neighbor’s dog. He lives behind us.”

“I didn’t know he had a dog,” she said.

“Yeah,” I said.

“I’ve never seen him before,” she said.

“You had a fence before,” I said. “He was on the other side. Now you have nothing.”

“Oh. But why is he coming in my yard?” she asked.

After that, I said fence about 22 times. Then she said fence about 7 times. Finally I said, “I’m thinking about calling codes on the jack ass.” (Meaning Mr. GP, of course)

“Oh please don’t,” she said. “He’ll never get this finished.”

I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s finished now, and the black dog would be forever barking at her kitchen door until she let it in. When the renter first met my two dogs. She said, “Go away. I am not your friend.” I had visions of the black dog cracking her in the near future and her phoning codes instead of me.

The Missing Link

Posted in animal on May 24, 2009 by Nada

idaAnd so the news went on about, ”Scientists unveiled Tuesday the fossil of a lemurlike creature called ‘Ida’ that lived 47 million years ago in what is now Germany. According to media reports, the discovery is a missing link in human evolution.”

Admittedly Ida is impressive, but I have my doubts about the missing link part and the tip off is Ida was a lemur – or lemurlike. I thought the whole theory of evolution was based on monkeys, not lemurs. You might ask what’s the difference? And the answer would be eye shadow. I don’t want to learn how to put eye shadow on that looks like a lemur, though a lot of woman do.

My favorite words in the Ida news articles are “home erectus,” and the next time I go to some event where I have to stick one of those nametags on my shirt, I’m going to write “Homo Erectus” on mine. If anyone asks, I’ll say, “You can call me ‘Homo’ for short.”

monroeHere is my missing link. I found it on the sidewalk in front the church, next to the 57 bus stop. I only saw it because green flies were inspecting it, and green flies are unusual in Oakland. I’m calling it Monroe. It is the missing link between a robin and a pterodactyl.

And in other missing links – chickens. Chickens are missing links in their own category. They are prehistoric, historic and present. I guess they are not really missing then at all. Are they? And yes, I am chicken obsessed. AZ sent me this site and I have spent DAYS looking at it. The coop builders are great. I love their detailed descriptions. One other word – “silkies.” Okay, I lied. A few other words – my neighbor just bought four chicks from the Ranch Hag.