Correctional Center

correspondenceSo, ummm, yeah. Hubby’s brother has been MIA for a while. Yesterday, we got a letter from him stamped with what you see. Now call me crazy, but I always figure if members of my family want to duck down the rabbit hole that is their business. I’m not going to search for ‘em if they take off in a U-Haul in the middle of the night. I figure they know where I am, and if they want to look me up, fine. If not, fine.

Hubby doesn’t see it that way. If you are related to him, he will know where you are at all times, and he will call you. So, his brother’s disappearance was causing Hubby some angst and some detective work. Fortunately, his brother sent his whereabouts before Hubby issued a full bore Amber alert for a 55 year old fat bald guy.

The letter Hubby’s brother sent was a hand written 6 page missive chock full of prison life details. And frankly, I had no idea. Sure, I’ve seen my share of movies, and watched various people on the big screen break out of Alcatraz, but to have “good time” broken down in activities with months attached and translated to early release was something new to me. And then, I looked the prison up on the web. They have a website and pretty darn nice one too. There is a picture of my brother-in-law I can pull up when I enter his name in the inmate query field. I can see his charges and his sentences, which somehow don’t quite add up to what he told us in the letter. Maybe he forgot the details. I don’t know.

Anyhoo, it looks like he will be getting out of the slammer in 2010 sometime, maybe sooner if the state of Illinois starts letting out first offenders for lack of funds. He says he wants to come and visit us and bring his son. I pause here because I want to make some unruly joke about hiding my silverware, but I don’t own any. I guess the best joke I can make is I’ll hide my stainless steel. I think I should write him a letter as I’m a pretty good letter writer, but then what would I say? “Hey, how’s the weather?” or “What-cha been up to?” Both questions could be problematic for someone locked in a cell. I suppose I could ask him if his toilet was working okay.


8 Responses to “Correctional Center”

  1. I’m smiling so big my cheeks hurt, “how’s your toilet”? HA!

    I wish I could say I can’t relate, but I can — I have an uncle I’ve never met, he was and is a huge family mystery. The last time my father saw his brother was sometime before WWII, I think he was the youngest sibling of eight, when the war ended nobody knew where uncle disappeared to, here it is 6 decades later and we still don’t know where he is or if he is alive. My dad once said that he thinks Rudy killed someone in California and he was sentenced to life in prison, but dear old dad was such a bullshitter, I don’t think I believed him.

    Oh yeah, I almost forgot these are questions you can ask the incarcerated. Do you need any money? Are you in a cell by yourself? Can I send you anything? How’s the food? Does horizontal stripes make you look fat? What’s your work detail? When do you appear before the parole board? Are the guards treating you alright? Do you have any female guards? Are you getting any rehab? What’s the rate of recidivism for your prison? Have you ever dropped the soap in the shower? I could go on, but I don’t want to bore you.

    • I laughed at your questions I could ask him. The one I liked the best was “Does horizontal stripes make you look fat?” I spat Coke out my nose on that one. Hoo haa, too funny.

  2. Can you believe I can spell recidivism and not pro-shoe-toe!

    • I’m proud of you AND you knew the definition. I couldn’t spell it and I didn’t know what it meant.

  3. I think we all have a relative or know someone that’s been in the slammer at one time or another. Shit happens and hopefully your B-I-L has learned something.

    AZ, you crack me up. Have you ever dropped the soap in the shower?

    • Yeah, that one was a good one, Steve.

      I kind of have a feeling that the BIL has learned something but as soon as he gets out, he’ll forget it and have to go back to the pokey.

  4. No imprisoned relatives here, but then, we don’t have a big family. I do have a longstanding fear of getting thrown into prison, though. Karen says, “That’s how the government controls you.” I think it’s a Jewish thing.

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