How to Be a Dog


  • First, sleep until 10am every day and only get up then for one of two reasons:
    1) To pee
    2) To poop
  • Walk around the kitchen while the two leggers are trying to fix dinner. If you are a small dog, get underfoot. If you are big dog, get in the way.
  • Present yourself for hugging in the middle of the night, staring at the sleeping female 2 legger until she wakes up. Do not bother the male 2 legger. He is oblivious. You will have a snoring competition with him later.
  • Vomit in the house only when the 2 leggers have family visiting. Do it behind the dining room table, so the brother-in-law skies in it in his sock feet.
  • Charge out the dog door and bark at the moon. Make the 2 leggers curse and close the dog door.
  • Jump up and down when the 2 leggers enter the house. Run to the laundry room, retrieve the stuffed squeaky carrot, and give it to them. Run through the house, scratching the hardwood floor. Jump on and off the bed. Wait by the cabinet for a dog biscuit.
  • Burp louder than the male 2 legger, but ensure all farts are silent but deadly. Leave the room after you fart and the 2 leggers accuse you of eating dead animals.
  • Do eat dead animals.
  • Hang your head out the car window until you almost go blind.
  • Howl at fire trucks. Let the 2 leggers encourage you.
  • Make googie eyes when the 2 legger fires up the grill. Slobber on his pants leg.
  • Dig up the horse reed plant after it finally takes hold in the side garden.
  • Convince the vet you need an MRI for $1600. Bark, “Psych” when the MRI reveals nothing and the problem fixes itself.
  • Shed so much hair the oriental rug turns grey, and the female 2 legger wants to buy a vacuum she has seen advertised on an infomercial by a Swede.
  • Play the game the 2 leggers have invented called, “Use Your Hands.” It is irritating, but what are you going to do?
  • Remember the 2 leggers daughter and get down on the floor and cry like a baby when she visits from Texas.
  • Stick your nose in a storm drain and jump back when a raccoon tries to grab it. Tilt your head sideways as the 2 leggers scream. Run down the street when they do.

13 Responses to “How to Be a Dog”

  1. This was great. Lots of effort and truth was put in it.

  2. Thanks. I would be a good dog.

    “Good dog,” she said, referring to herself.

  3. Dogs are great aren’t they? I like how them meld themselves into human families, make you love them and cherish them, then they start introducing little quirks, nothing to big at first, tiny little quirks that hardly raise an eyebrow. By the time 10 years go by the quirks rename themselves “personality” and you can’t fault a dog for having a personality.

  4. That “them” is supposed to be “they” 🙂 !

    • No, you can’t fault a dog for personality. I never could. I don’t know how I would have gotten along with the dog personalities. And then I find myself comparing some humans to dogs. I think that someone acts like an Australian Shepherd and someone else acts like a chihuahua and someone else is as crazy as our farm dog was. In fact, I think I believe it should be, “In Dog, We Trust.”


    When I was a kid we got a little dog, not real little like a Chihuahua, but small like about 15 pounds. His tail was beautiful and curled over his back so we called him Donut. He was loving and sweet, but he had a wandering soul and a inclination for collecting things dead. I think the first year we had Donut he cleared every carcass within 20 miles of our house, huge leg bones, cow skulls, and cow hides all of which were dry as dust, but for some reason Donut found them irresistible. After he cleared all the mummies off the desert, he proceeded to drag home hunter’s discards like fresh deer hides sometimes with heads and antlers attached, or just a hoof, or a front leg. I don’t know how he got these things home he must have drug them all night, some of his finds outweighed him four times over. We had him for about three years, when my Dad decided he had to go, so my Mom’s best friend took Donut, she figured because she lived in town the dog’s bad habit would cease. Wrong! Cows and deer were hard to find in town so donut switched to dead cats and his deceased brethren, don’t get me wrong he wasn’t a cannibal, he never ate his finds, he just like to scatter them around the yard, something to keep him company and roll on so he could acquire the dead smell. He lived a good long life, and in his older years he finally gave up the dead collecting. I always wondered if he was an incarnated Egyptian mummified cat, trying his to gather the dead for the afterlife.

    • I am in love with Donut. I think it is so hilarious he used to collect dead things many times his size. Only a chihuahua would have the determination and forethought for such feats. I can see him dragging up a cow leg bone. It makes me laugh so hard. What color was he? Tan? I love the last line, “I always wondered if he was an incarnated Egyptian mummified cat, trying his to gather the dead for the afterlife.” Undoubtedly so.

  6. This had me in stitches…it’s very true though!

  7. worldphotos Says:

    I’ll never be able to eat a donut without thinking about the dog that was a collector.

  8. ha ha…It does give you pause and a mental image of a Chihuahua working like a dog rounding up carcasses.

  9. Great stuff. I especially liked the MRI 🙂

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