Christmas and the Swimming Pool

I hate Christmas. Call me Scrooge. Though I do enjoy the lights on the palm trees at the Mormon Temple.I wish they’d hang some off the big white marble Jesus, maybe from his hands like strings as if he were doing a cat’s cradle.

The rain is here. It’s plinking on the house as I type. It’s supposed to rain the better part of this week. Bah humbug again.

I went swimming today. I remarked to my friend that the swimmers are either totally normal or whacked out. There’s no in betweeners. #1 Crazy talks about her cat all the time. She got a ticket from a park ranger for not having her cat on a leash. While she was swimming Friday, she said she took her cat to see the Christmas lights at the Mormon Temple. I’m not sure whom she was talking to. She was making announcements as she paddled around in circles at the 5 foot demarcation. She said the cat freaked out. I can see that. Lots of lights. Many Mormons. Large white statue of Jesus. Kind of freaks me out.

#2 Crazy is a white haired lady about the size of a barn door. She fancies herself the pool police. She orders everyone around. We have a lift at the pool that lowers people into the slow swim lane. She told me a month ago to leave the lift in the water for her. The lifeguard told me otherwise – “Leave the lift at the surface. Leaving it in the pool, erodes the mechanism.” Right-o. Today, #2 Crazy sees me paddling around and said, “Put the lift back in the water after you get out.” I told her she had to take that up with the lifeguard. She repeated herself, so I said, “Ain’t doing it. I’m not defying the lifeguards.” She bobbed off on her floaty noodle to contemplate my noncompliance. After a few minutes, a swimmer joined us in the slow lane. I heard her tell him, “Get out of this lane. You’re too fast.”

#3 Crazy is a bearded guy who is a former (or current) meth addict, and the bad part, the really bad part, is he has a bit of a crush on either me or my swimming buddy. My swimming buddy made the mistake of wishing him, “Happy Holidays.” That triggered a 10 minute speech of Obama’s war lording, ending with “We all need health care reform, but they will see to it that we don’t get it.” I couldn’t decide if he was for Obama or against him or if it was all just crazy talk.


6 Responses to “Christmas and the Swimming Pool”

  1. Your pool exploits are very entertaining. Everyone should get together and buy a police badge for her, for Xmas.

  2. HA! A little tin sheriff’s bad and leave it on her work out bag in the locker room.

  3. I went to a freebee night at a local gym once (about 35 years ago), and there was a 400 lb lady in a hot pink swim suit there, she amazed me when she took off at a dead run and jumped into the Jacuzzi, she practically emptied the Jacuzzi with a massive tidal wave when she hit the water. I was utterly amazed that 400 lb lady could run like she did!

    • I har har-ed at that. RUNNING JUMP IN A JACUZZI? Sounds like a scene from a movie. Overweight people can really run sometimes. My husband was holding a ball bat on a stocky guy because the guy had been chopping a car he stole and left in front of our house. I was standing there calling the police. He took off like a gazelle. I’m quick but no match for that guy.

  4. Monte McClain Says:

    I’m totally missing the giant white marble Jesus – and the xmas light mojo of the temple. AHHHH! Wish I was there.

  5. Hmm — that photo makes Caesar’s Palace look demure.

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