iWeb, Nutrisystem, and the Drunks

iWeb. That’s the MAC’s software version of how to make a quick and easy web. It’s a code generator and code generators are just that. They generate code that’s odd and not so efficient. Sometimes, they keep you from doing things you want, like deleting a gradient on one of their templates or changing the font size on their navigation hyperlinks. It was a fight and I’m afraid iWeb won. I came away with a busted pair of eyeglasses and a black eye. I did manage to put together this little web for a friend’s dog.

Before I got all entangled with the devilish iWeb, I decided I was fat, as in too fat, as in there were damn few pairs of pants in my closet I could zipper myself into. I thought about going back to Jenny Craig. The food is relatively good, and I did lose some weight, but the down side is the office visits for the “weigh in,” which turned into a lengthy discussion of “why are you not losing more weight?” which turned into half a day wasted, getting there and back along with talking about the obvious. I was cheating on Jenny and stuffing MacDonalds in my pie hole when she wasn’t looking.

This time, I decided on Nutrisystem. You can order it off the internet. They ship a month’s worth of food to your house, and you can do the “weigh in” at home. It all sounded great.

And then they shipped 34 pounds of food to my house. 34 pounds in one box. The UPS man had to haul it up to my front porch. AND they stamped their name all over it. Now, I know my UPS man. I know him pretty well. His name is Robert. I see him everywhere. I can always count on him for a wave and a smile. I had a vision of him talking about the 34 pound diet food box when he returned his truck to the dock after 7pm.

And then, there’s also this. The Nutri-food tastes like ass. Yeah. Whereas Jenny had some pretty yummy food, this stuff is MRE (meals ready to eat). Army rations. The Golden Pound Cake is a bathroom sponge. The spaghetti is a recycled dishrag. The chocolate chip cookie is a pocket off a fleece bathrobe.

And to top all that, some drunk punk was picking lemons off my tree around 1am this morning and heaving them down the street at his drunk staggering girl friend. I know. I was trying to watch Criminal Minds. Little did I know, criminals were on my own street without any minds, working on my lemon tree. I gave ‘em the old evil eye out the window, but that didn’t slow them down. I woke up the sleeping giant – the Big Guy. He shot out of bed, ran to the door in his jockey underwear, swung the door open, jumped out on the front porch and yelled gibberish at the lemon throwers. Straight sleep walking gibberish. But it was so loud and his long white legs were so scary, they took off down the street as best as their wobbly legs could scamper.


8 Responses to “iWeb, Nutrisystem, and the Drunks”

  1. An enjoyable post to read. Good job on the web site. I have learned something about those unique dogs that I didn’t know before. Drunk lemmon thieves, that’s a hoot. Better than trying to steal car.

  2. Monte McClain Says:

    you’re the greatest. love your writing

  3. I’m late! I’ve been really busy doin’ nuttin’! A little nuttin’ here, a little nuttin’ there, and before you know it an entire week has gone by and I’ve accomplished nuttin’.

    I looked at all the stuff on “The Podengo.” The pictures, the slideshow, that’s one cute Podengo! Now what’s a Podengo?

    I’ve seen Nutrisystem food, some of it looks like dog food, but the co-worker who was on the Nutrisystem diet was skinny, so maybe dog food is slimming.

    I had a run in with orange thieves once, the people came to view the house we had for sale, and while they waited for the real estate agent to show up they helped themselves to all the oranges on our tree. They were sneaky about it too, so they knew they were doin’ wrong. We confronted them about the oranges, but they assured us that the oranges were theirs because they were going to buy the house. Needless to say they never bought the house, we wouldn’t have sold it to them, we liked our neighbors why would we sell our house to thieves.

    • That is the craziest orange thievery story. I wonder if they were interested in the house at all.

      I kind of like the Nutri breakfasts and lunches but the dinners are total ass.

  4. Thanks for the nutrisystem warning!!!

    • It is a warning with a disclaimer. It may taste like ass but I’ve already lost 4 pounds. Maybe that’s their secret – bad tasting food.

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